Yes... my throat feels like a herd of elephants just trampled over it! Yowzers! The pain medicine really doesn't do a whole lot I must say. I've spoken with a few friends of mine today and relived some of my pain and fear... I'm exhausted from the retelling and the crying. I really am starting to realize now... what a life and death ordeal this has been for me. The hormones that have been going crazy in my body could have caused me to go into cardiac arrest. Just learning back in November that I have high cholesterol didn't really help the matter much! I really... REALLY... need to start taking care of myself more. And... the FIRST thing I'm going to do is to get a NEW DOCTOR!!!
I have been really good at seeing the doctor for my yearly full physical exams and going to the doctor for any ailments I'd been having. Now... I'm going to require better care for myself and I don't care if people think I'm bitchy or demanding. No one but myself is going to make it happen! I have a whole new view now! And... I'm not going to worry about all of the health bills. I'm going to adopt the motto that Ed always says, "Oh well. It's just money." Seriously... it's JUST money. I'd rather have my health and get checked thoroughly and spend more money than to be scared if my insurance won't cover something. It's just money. I have a family that is depending on me... on my health... so that I can care for them!
Something interesting I've noticed since I've been home is how much of a Ghost Town the house feels like. There are no kids here running around laughing, screaming or fighting. No toddlers squealing or crying. No noise whatsoever. Just a mess that was left from Christmas. Decorations still hung, the small tree still up and things just tossed here and there. Unopened junk mail piled up on the couch along with clean clothes waiting to be folded and put away. Everything was just left as it was or as it came. Ed had been in and out... from work... from the hospital here and in Iowa City. The kids have remained in the care of Ed's parents (THANK YOU!) and have had a consistant routine for this past month of being absent from myself. I don't know what I would do without their help in this as well as other times in my life. I also don't know what I would do without my mom being with me when all others were called elsewhere. She was with me in the hospital during the roughest times of this whole ordeal... during the painful IV that ripped through my veins and rendered me in the worst imaginable pain as well as my complete and utter breakdown that transpired in my hospitalroom on Saturday evening. It felt like the weight of the world was finally giving way and falling on me. It felt like all hope was lost.
"What else were they going to come in and tell me was wrong?"
"How many more times will someone come in and jab me with the needle and miss... causing painful bruising and sore limbs?"
"When will I feel any relief?"
"When will this be over?"
"Will I truly feel like a new person after this?"
"Why is Satan such a freakin' bastard? Why won't he just leave me the hell alone?"
All the while... worrying about what others will think of me. She's crazy... She's weak... She's unstable.
I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO A BREAKDOWN!!! Too bad it had to happen when I was sharing my hospital room and only divided by a curtain.
Life was passing me by. Other people were busy planning their lives and I wasn't a part of it anymore. I'll be missing some important days of my friends lives... important days of my children's lives... of my life. I just don't even know what to say or how to say it. Good freakin' night... my NECK HURTS!!! I just want to cry... I just want to sleep. That is the ONLY way I get away from the pain... the ONLY way I get away from myself, my depression, the things that Satan wants me to believe. "Kick her while she's down." I think that is his motto. Good thing the Lord is stronger. The Spirit's voice is much stronger and hope is renewed when all things are laying around me... crumbled. All that happens is in the Lord's time. The ONLY thing we can give the Lord is our will. Whatever happens will happen and I know that I will be okay, because I am the Lord's and He will do what is necessary and best for me. I knew this ALL THE WHILE, but of course Satan is right there when any doubt is felt and his misery is waiting to slowly take hold. Thank goodness for the words of the apostles and prophets. I had with me the General Conference issue of the Ensign (our church magazine) and I read and read so many inspired talks that were given for my benefit. For OUR benefit of course, but for MY benefit as I was really wanting some strength, knowledge and comfort at that time. So many talks touched me as I sat up reading into the wee hours of the morning. I really couldn't put it down. I know that my testimony of the Gospel was strengthened. My love of my Father in Heaven and of His Son, Jesus Christ have grown and I've more of an appreciation for the atonement... for all that Christ has done for us that we may live with him again, in a much grander existance than this crappy (at times) earth life. I know we are meant to have joy and by that we MUST experience the craptasticness as well or how would we recognize it!? I love the Lord. I love learning what He has in store for us and that I can take time out... sometimes He takes the time out for me... but to have some time to be able to reflect on who I want to be, how I want to be remembered and where I want to end up. I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been given a most wonderful companion... too good I often think that I deserve, but yet again I have been given him. For that I am wonderfully and eternally blessed. I love my husband more than words. He is my best and truest friend that I have in the flesh. He makes me want to be better. I know so many say that, but it is so true. He loves the Lord and he knows so much about the Gospel and what is in store for us. I want to become a good mother. I want to attend the temple more. I will never forget a Visiting Teaching message in the Ensign a few years ago that said that the Temple can change our natures. We do behave in a manner that is the result of the natural man, which is an enemy to God. We need to refine those manners and truly learn what we need to do in order to change that which is natural. I pray that I can go there often and make time for it... make time to be taught the things that are of infinite worth. It's strange when you think about the possibility of dying. The people you'd leave behind... The impression of yourself that you'd leave behind. I wonder what people would think of me. Would they know of the love that I had for my friends and family? Would they know of the love that I had for my Heavenly Father? Would they know how hard I tried each time that Satan would have me bound with depression and a mental illness... would they know how hard I tried to change? How hard I tried to rise above that weakness that was given me to overcome in this life? Would people know who and what I desired to be in this life and in the next? It's truly life changing. I am very blessed and I want others to realize how much they are blessed as well. I want to live my life more fully and richly. I want others to know how much that I love, admire and grow from their examples. I want to live with no regrets. ***BREATHE*** ***SIGH*** That's all I want.
7 comments:
Wow, Stacy, you have such a strong testimony! We all have trials and for whatever reason you had this major health issue as a major trial. But I know you are a stronger person because of it. It is evident just by reading this post! Satan will kick you the hardest when you are down, that's why it's so important to stay close to our Heavenly Father. How wonderful that you found such strengh in the Ensign conference talks. They are wonderful! You are a better person because of this and your family will be strenghtened because of you! Get well soon!
If anyone can say they know how you feel, it is me. I've been there sista! You can do this if I did! One month...one more month and you will be up and dancing and singing ( in your lovely elephant trampled voice) and we will have a girls night out.
Oh Stacy, please know we love you. I am so grateful that you are on the road to recovery with a reservation to remain well and demand good health. It really is JUST money. The Lord loves you. These trials are only to strengthen you. You're doing great! And you really are entitled to a breakdown. It's okay, cry, scream and sob as much as you need. You'll pull it all back together. Bless you for your testimony. I love you chick!
You are stronger than you think. Times like this prove that. Well we always really did know something was wrong with ya ha ha. I will come visit soon. And just so ya know they can put numbing liquid in the IV potassium drips. I never give that without Lidocaine in it. Also oral pills and tons of bananas. Love you and have been thinking of you lots.
I am always humbled when, at the end of something terrible, you can see how much your testimony has grown. I can relate to that. I think the most important thing to remember is that Heavenly Father hasn't forgotten you. He has helped you through it all, and will help you through whatever comes in this life. You have a beautiful testimony. I am very happy you are getting stronger.
Oh Stacy, don't take this the wrong way, but I freakin' love you right now! I don't delight in your suffering by any means, but in your honesty. You have been my breath of fresh summer air in this never ending cold winter. My prayers are with you. If you ever need to elephant trumpet angrily (or otherwise) in someone's ear, I can take it!
GIRRRRRRLL! I physically HURT just reading your post. I'm pretty sure there's a medical condition for feeling someone else's pain. Yikes! LOL! All kidding aside, I'm impressed by your strength in the face of this trial. You have trust in the Lord and a sense of humor through it, and I'm personally better for reading your blog today and counting blessings. So happy to be related to you! Thanks for sharing your greatness!
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