"Oops... I Crapped My Pants..."

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Sooooo.... Ed didn't feel well yesterday when we were planning on having our Valentine's Family Candlelight Dinner... so today we thought we'd spend the day together and have our dinner some other night when we all felt better.

It was our first outing since my surgery down in Iowa City and so we split up for a while and decided that we would meet back up around noon to go to the Isle of Capri for their lunch buffet. Ed had promised Oliver that they would go and play Black Light Mini Golf at the arcade inside of Crossroads Mall.

So... Eden and I go through the mall and stop by an asian gift shop to buy my brother, Bryan a late birthday gift. As I was purchasing said item... a feeling rushed over me... like a voice whispering with a sense of urgency... GET TO A TOILET... NOW!!! I just knew that I was going to crap my pants... I just KNEW it... because Ed was sick the day before and I knew that he had given it to me. So I grab Eden by the hand and we hi-tail it out of the store toward the restrooms in BFE! I just knew that I wasn't going to make it and I knew that I was going to SHART in my pants... ya know... that fart that is really... um... well... POOP! Okay... so as we are briskly walking (running would have just let my insides loose) I'm trying to squeeze my buttcheeks together to keep anything on the inside of my body from coming to the outside of my body!!! But... to no avail... as we are rounding the corner of Walden Books... the impending doom was upon me and I farted and could feel something more... yes... LUMPY FARTS had entered my clothing and made me stink to high heaven!!!

I leaned over to Eden and said, "Your mom just crapped her pants!!!" We picked up the pace a bit and headed down the long hallway as I was half in agony and half in laughter at what had just transpired!!! I headed into the restroom stall and tried calling Ed, but the reception sucked, so I couldn't get a hold of him. I kept reassuring Eden that I was still there and told her to stay there and not leave the restroom. I kept saying, "Come on Ed... pick up the phone... I just crapped my freakin' pants... I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS!!! Is this real? I feel like I'm in a movie... Dumb and Dumber or something!"

Evidentally a woman heard me and asked me if she could help. I said that Ed was in the mall so she paged him and told him that, "...your wife had a little accident and is in the women's restroom..." Another woman was nice enough to take the kiddos to play in the play area with her children while Ed bought me some undies, wet wipes and sweat pants!!!

(I still cannot believe that I soiled myself! So... not only do I have old lady bones... I have old lady colon elasticity problems as well... IT REALLY SUCKS TO BE ME RIGHT NOW!!!) So... I get all cleaned up and then I have to face this stranger who knows that I crapped myself and wrangle all of my kids. She was very nice and seemed like she understood that accidents happen! Thank you, Amie... and the other lady out there who paged Ed!!! I'd still be sitting on the toilet a week later if it wasn't for the kindness of two complete strangers!!! Life... oh... man... what a day!