Wow... Did You See a Herd of Elephants Running From My Direction???

Yes... my throat feels like a herd of elephants just trampled over it! Yowzers! The pain medicine really doesn't do a whole lot I must say. I've spoken with a few friends of mine today and relived some of my pain and fear... I'm exhausted from the retelling and the crying. I really am starting to realize now... what a life and death ordeal this has been for me. The hormones that have been going crazy in my body could have caused me to go into cardiac arrest. Just learning back in November that I have high cholesterol didn't really help the matter much! I really... REALLY... need to start taking care of myself more. And... the FIRST thing I'm going to do is to get a NEW DOCTOR!!!

I have been really good at seeing the doctor for my yearly full physical exams and going to the doctor for any ailments I'd been having. Now... I'm going to require better care for myself and I don't care if people think I'm bitchy or demanding. No one but myself is going to make it happen! I have a whole new view now! And... I'm not going to worry about all of the health bills. I'm going to adopt the motto that Ed always says, "Oh well. It's just money." Seriously... it's JUST money. I'd rather have my health and get checked thoroughly and spend more money than to be scared if my insurance won't cover something. It's just money. I have a family that is depending on me... on my health... so that I can care for them!

Something interesting I've noticed since I've been home is how much of a Ghost Town the house feels like. There are no kids here running around laughing, screaming or fighting. No toddlers squealing or crying. No noise whatsoever. Just a mess that was left from Christmas. Decorations still hung, the small tree still up and things just tossed here and there. Unopened junk mail piled up on the couch along with clean clothes waiting to be folded and put away. Everything was just left as it was or as it came. Ed had been in and out... from work... from the hospital here and in Iowa City. The kids have remained in the care of Ed's parents (THANK YOU!) and have had a consistant routine for this past month of being absent from myself. I don't know what I would do without their help in this as well as other times in my life. I also don't know what I would do without my mom being with me when all others were called elsewhere. She was with me in the hospital during the roughest times of this whole ordeal... during the painful IV that ripped through my veins and rendered me in the worst imaginable pain as well as my complete and utter breakdown that transpired in my hospitalroom on Saturday evening. It felt like the weight of the world was finally giving way and falling on me. It felt like all hope was lost.

"What else were they going to come in and tell me was wrong?"
"How many more times will someone come in and jab me with the needle and miss... causing painful bruising and sore limbs?"
"When will I feel any relief?"
"When will this be over?"
"Will I truly feel like a new person after this?"
"Why is Satan such a freakin' bastard? Why won't he just leave me the hell alone?"

All the while... worrying about what others will think of me. She's crazy... She's weak... She's unstable.

I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO A BREAKDOWN!!! Too bad it had to happen when I was sharing my hospital room and only divided by a curtain.

Life was passing me by. Other people were busy planning their lives and I wasn't a part of it anymore. I'll be missing some important days of my friends lives... important days of my children's lives... of my life. I just don't even know what to say or how to say it. Good freakin' night... my NECK HURTS!!! I just want to cry... I just want to sleep. That is the ONLY way I get away from the pain... the ONLY way I get away from myself, my depression, the things that Satan wants me to believe. "Kick her while she's down." I think that is his motto. Good thing the Lord is stronger. The Spirit's voice is much stronger and hope is renewed when all things are laying around me... crumbled. All that happens is in the Lord's time. The ONLY thing we can give the Lord is our will. Whatever happens will happen and I know that I will be okay, because I am the Lord's and He will do what is necessary and best for me. I knew this ALL THE WHILE, but of course Satan is right there when any doubt is felt and his misery is waiting to slowly take hold. Thank goodness for the words of the apostles and prophets. I had with me the General Conference issue of the Ensign (our church magazine) and I read and read so many inspired talks that were given for my benefit. For OUR benefit of course, but for MY benefit as I was really wanting some strength, knowledge and comfort at that time. So many talks touched me as I sat up reading into the wee hours of the morning. I really couldn't put it down. I know that my testimony of the Gospel was strengthened. My love of my Father in Heaven and of His Son, Jesus Christ have grown and I've more of an appreciation for the atonement... for all that Christ has done for us that we may live with him again, in a much grander existance than this crappy (at times) earth life. I know we are meant to have joy and by that we MUST experience the craptasticness as well or how would we recognize it!? I love the Lord. I love learning what He has in store for us and that I can take time out... sometimes He takes the time out for me... but to have some time to be able to reflect on who I want to be, how I want to be remembered and where I want to end up. I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been given a most wonderful companion... too good I often think that I deserve, but yet again I have been given him. For that I am wonderfully and eternally blessed. I love my husband more than words. He is my best and truest friend that I have in the flesh. He makes me want to be better. I know so many say that, but it is so true. He loves the Lord and he knows so much about the Gospel and what is in store for us. I want to become a good mother. I want to attend the temple more. I will never forget a Visiting Teaching message in the Ensign a few years ago that said that the Temple can change our natures. We do behave in a manner that is the result of the natural man, which is an enemy to God. We need to refine those manners and truly learn what we need to do in order to change that which is natural. I pray that I can go there often and make time for it... make time to be taught the things that are of infinite worth. It's strange when you think about the possibility of dying. The people you'd leave behind... The impression of yourself that you'd leave behind. I wonder what people would think of me. Would they know of the love that I had for my friends and family? Would they know of the love that I had for my Heavenly Father? Would they know how hard I tried each time that Satan would have me bound with depression and a mental illness... would they know how hard I tried to change? How hard I tried to rise above that weakness that was given me to overcome in this life? Would people know who and what I desired to be in this life and in the next? It's truly life changing. I am very blessed and I want others to realize how much they are blessed as well. I want to live my life more fully and richly. I want others to know how much that I love, admire and grow from their examples. I want to live with no regrets. ***BREATHE*** ***SIGH*** That's all I want.

My Uncle's Passing

Well... last Monday my Mom had called me from school and informed me of my uncle's passing. It was a relief to hear that he's not suffering any longer after over two years living with throat cancer, but also nothing really prepares you to hear that he's gone. I think I was in shock at first. I've been crying here and there all week, just thinking of the family that is still here, my Aunt Pat and my cousins, my Grandparents and my mom, Aunt Sue and Uncle Dave. Thinking of their loss and how they must be feeling. My heart just aches for them all. I know that he is in a better place and that may sound cheesy to some, but I TRULY believe it. I know that he is no longer in pain and that he still lives, only in a different state.

His funeral was yesterday in South Carolina. He had a full military burial and was blessed to have had such a beautiful day to be remembered on. I really wish that I could have been there. I was one of three cousins that couldn't be there. I know that we differed in religious beliefs, but I would have liked to have been there to celebrate his life and be there for the family. I have prayed for him as well as his immediate family often during their hard times and I am still continuing to do so. I remember in one of the emails that Pat had sent informing us of Doug's health and wellness, she said that she saw her S.E.A.L. in action... through his determination to live and fight the cancer. I will always remember that. It says so much about his character. He will be missed, but I believe that we will see him again someday.

My Uncle Dave sent me a copy of his obituary. Here is part of it:

Clinton native Douglas A Young, son of Warren & Margaret Young, 1911 N 6th St. Clinton, Iowa.
Born in Lyons, January 1955.
Passed away Oct 15, 2007 in Hot Springs, Arkansas.
Doug graduated Clinton High School.
Joined the US Navy.
Honor Graduate of his Basic Training at Great Lakes.
Became a Gunners mate and again was Honor Grad.
Med Float on the USS Independence as a Gunners Mate.
Volunteered to be a US Navy S.E.A.L.
Was Honor Grad of BUD's Class 89
Served as Operations NCO of SEAL Team 2 Little Creek, Va for ten years.
Selected for exchange program British Royal Marines Special Boat Squadron, Poole, Dorset, UK.
Served as Operational Platoon Leader with the SBS.
Served as Winter Warfare Cadre in Labrador, Newfoundland, Harstad, Norway and Greenland.
Transfered to Coronado NAB, California to institute Winter Warfare Training for the West Coast SEALs.
Trained SEALs at Kodiak Island, Alaska.
Was assigned SEAL Team 1 and SEAL Team 3 and Navy Special Warfare Group ONE
Retired as a Senior Chief Petty Officer with 22 yrs service to our country.

*Re services for Doug:*Family, friends, and Teammates are cordially invited to Doug's interrment at Beaufort National Cemetery, Beaufort, SC, on* FRI, 19 OCT* [http://beaufortusa.com/national_cemetery.htm ]. The services, funeral, and Irish Wake will be held at the National Cemetary. The viewing is at 1200 hrs @ the Copeland Funeral Home (800) 851-1161 Beaufort, SC. The Service will be conducted at the National Cemetary @ 1:30 PM (1330) local. For those attending in uniform, the dress is Sevice Dress Blues. A reception will be held afterward at the Beaufort Marine Corps Airstation Offiers Club @ 3:00 pm (1500) to ~ 6:30 (1830) in the Great Santini Room (Doug would have appreciated the humor of this!).

Aunt Sue, Grandma Young, Mom, Uncle Doug, Uncle Dave, Grandpa Young.

AUGUST 2006