
Monday, November 2, 2009
Eye Dr. & OB Visits

Sunday, November 1 - The Day After
Tonight after we went to bed, I was missing the kids terribly and I started crying. I couldn't breathe because my nose was congested again so I went into the bathroom, blew my nose, cried some more, blew my nose again and washed my hands. As I was washing my hands, I noticed that my eyes were really bloodshot... I mean like... the white part in the corner of my eye was red. I lifted my eyelid a bit and there was tons of blood. SCARY!!! I told Ed that I think I broke a blood vessel in both my eyes. I was a bit worried. He got out of bed and looked up broken blood vessels in the eye and said that it could just be from rubbing them, crying, coughing hard, pressure, etc. I thought back to how hard I puked yesterday and the feelings I felt in my eyeballs and thought that the crying just made it worse. It may take up to two weeks to go away. Then he read about broken blood vessels due to being diabetic and I had to stop him from reading because it was making me queasy and scared. UGH... I don't know what more I can take. Now I can't cry from stress of being sick and missing my kids for fear of busting up my eyeballs... GREEEAAAT! :O(
Please... be better tomorrow... please.
Saturday, October 31 - Emergency Room Halloween

I got out of bed and looked up tooth pain and pregnancy to see what it could possibly be and if I could even do anything while I'm 8 months pregnant! From what I saw online, it seems to me that I'll either have to have a root canal or an extraction if it's a fractured tooth. I called my friend a few hours later who happens to be a dental assistant to ask her what it could be and she said the same thing. I called my dentist on the emergency number, but hadn't heard from him today at all. Anyways... I took my hydrocodone (for my back pain), and tried to do anything I could to ease the throbbing pain! Ed got up with me and called around to various dentists offices to see if I could get in anywhere, but since it's Saturday... no one is open. ARGH... why couldn't this happen YESTERDAY?!
Anyways... after a bit, I felt like I was going to puke, and finally at around 11 am, it came. Let me tell you that this was the WORST vomiting experience I've ever had! I've had a sore throat and congestion anyways... but bring on the vomit and holy cow... I thought my head was going to explode. I was seriously scared because I couldn't breathe! I was laying on the couch just heaving into the garbage can while the whole family is looking on! I hadn't had anything to eat yet today, but I just kept heaving and heaving sooooooo forcefully! I couldn't breathe because I got sooooo congested and I couldn't breathe out of my mouth since I was vomiting so I seriously thought I was going to pass out. VERY scary. I felt sooooo much pressure in my eyes and they felt like they were bulging out of my head!!! Afterwards my head was seriously swollen, my glands under my neck were HUGE, my eyes were swollen into slits which felt like they were popping out of my head and they were really itchy! My throat was on fire and felt like it was closing. I still felt like there was a pukeball lodged in my throat, but I couldn't puke anymore. No matter how much water I drank, I couldn't get that feeling to go away. Ed was just staring at me because of how weird my swollen head looked! He said that my eyes looked chinese because they were sooooo swollen. I have to admit that I was really scared because I've never felt this way during or after puking. It lasted for over an hour afterwards!!! I had a horrid headache, my eyes were killing me and my glands were still pretty large and my throat was killing me.
I called my doctor's office and spoke to the triage nurse who didn't seem to be bothered by it. Ed had taken the kids over to his parents to get them out of the house. I was bummed because I had a fun day planned before we went trick-or-treating. My other symptoms felt like they were going away and so I was planning on going out tonight with them since I'd be outside anyways. We were going to paint pumpkins and make caramel apples as a family since we hadn't done anything this year since I've been so sick. Anyways... I posted my symptoms on FACEBOOK and a doctor friend said that I should go to the E.R. I was going to try and go to sleep and see if I felt better afterwards, but after I read that I decided to call Ed and have him take me to the E.R.
We got there and they took some blood and urine. They had to get it by catheter because there would be less bacteria in the urine... OUCH. Come to find out later... they put the wrong label on it, but luckily I could just pee in a cup that time. UGH. So... the doctor came in, we told her the brief version of my medical history and what happened that morning. She looked in my mouth and said that my throat looked horrible and that I most likely had Pharyngitis. I'd never heard of it. Anyways... she hooked me up to an IV, so I wouldn't get dehydrated because that is one of the biggest risks for fetal complications. The IV had antibiotics in it as well. We got there at around 1:30 or 2:00 and didn't get home 'til around 7:30 that night.
Anyways... I laid on the bed for awhile and Ed and I watched the Game Show Network while we were there. I tried to sleep a bit since I only had two hours sleep, but to no avail. I had to get up an pee several times while the IV fluids went through me. The nurse came in again with the results of my blood and urine test and said that my hemoglobin was low (I already figured that) and that my glucose level was a little high. She said that it was 500 and I asked her what was normal and she didn't know. So she left and came back and said around 100 is normal. I'm like... okay... what do I do for that? She just said to lay off the sugar. Okay... whatever. So... she gave me another bag of fluids and left again. She really didn't seem to know what was going on. I should have listened to my friend and gone to Allen hospital's E.R. instead, but I went to Covenant because IF anything were to happen, that is where my OB will deliver the baby. I had to ask if I was contagious, what to do for the symptoms, what I could eat and drink, etc. They weren't good about giving me any information. So, we got the paperwork and prescription for antibiotics and left.
Right after we left, my lips started tingling and I was like, "Oh, great! Why couldn't this have started before we left?!" Any little change has been freaking me out lately! We went to Walgreens and got my meds and some throat friendly foods and drinks and came home. Thankfully, my friends took the kiddos out trick-or-treating for me so they wouldn't have to miss out on that, too. THANK YOU!!! Then Ollie and Eden spent the night with Grandma Young and Jaren was still with G&G Palmer. Also... Ed was supposed to work his last overnight, but luckily Dan said he'd take his shift so I wasn't alone... just in case Ed needed to take me to the hospital again. THANKS, DAN!
We got home, popped in a movie, heated up some tomato soup and laid down. I was sooooo dang tired and feeling crappy that I went to bed at about 8:30ish. I didn't finish my soup because I was feeling urpy again and reeeeaaaallly didn't want to puke again. So... off to bed I went with my puke bucket right next to the bed. I slept most of the night (minus two hours) and slept until about 1 pm Sunday afternoon when Ed and his dad woke me up to check my blood sugar level since in reality I was verging on diabetic coma with a level of 500 at the ER the day before. It was 89. They gave me a blessing and I slept until about four. The kids are off to G&G's house for the week since I'm contagious until my symptoms go away. Another long sick week is ahead of me... *SIGH* :O(
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Tuesday, October 27 - OB Appointment and H1N1

Friday, October 9, 2009
Oh, the Joys of Pregnancy
I went to my regular OB visit to test for gestational diabetes and failed so off to my 4 hour test at the hospital. I downed the nasty orange drink that they give you in record time, only to feel sick about 1/2 hour later. I felt nauseus, lightheaded and had a horrible headache. I also had to visit the toilet... quickly a few times. I was fanning myself with a copy of the Ensign that I brought with me to read for the first hour. They called me back to get poked for the second time and I told them what was happening and that I felt as if I were going to pass out! They said that sometimes people feel sick during this test... YAY, ME! So, they led me down a little hallway to a small room and said that I could lie down on the examination table. YEAH... not the most comfortable thing invented. I would have much rather stretched out on the blue couch in the lobby, but I'm sure I would have gotten some dirty looks out there! So, after the second hour, I'm poked and the third hour, I'm poked again. Afterwards, they sent me home and told me that I would hear from my doctor.
I came home thankful that I could crash since I wasn't feeling well, as my in-laws were watching Jaren for me, but that didn't last too long since he was sick as well and had been crying all morning long. He had been on antibiotics for strep throat, as well as Eden, but he wasn't eating or drinking even. We took him to the doctor and found out that he had several sores in his mouth including a HUGE one on the side of his tongue! Poor little guy! The doctor said that it was a virus and that it just had to run its course. We got some stuff to numb it with the hopes of him at least drinking his milk, but he did NOT want to have anything to do with it! It sucks trying to take care of two sick kid, one of which just screams all day long, when I'm pregnant (anemic, horrible back pain, ligament pain) and sick as well. UGH! SERENITY NOW!!!!!! Some days I don't feel like I can handle it! I've been EXTREMELY tired and have been nodding off while laying on the couch or sitting in the recliner which is soooooooo not like me!
Soooo... a few days later, my OB calls and says that I passed the test. So... I guess I don't have gestational diabetes. Which is a good sign! But... my bad headaches, fatigue, nausea, back pain, etc. are still plagueing me. So... why is that I wonder. Many friends say... preeclampsia??? So... I look up preeclampsia and now I'm really worried because it sounds just like me. Plus the fact that they didn't test my urine for protein the last time that I was in there because I couldn't pee... yeah... that's really odd for me right about now... not being able to pee! So... I call my doctor, see a different woman since my doc is on vacation and find out that everything is okay. She says I probably just have a touch of the flu or something that the kids had. At least I know it's not serious.
To put it plainly... I feel like crap... all day... every day. I know that I should be grateful to be able to get pregnant and carry my babies... but I hate it. I hate the way it makes me feel. I seriously feel like I have the flu for 9 months, but worse. I have had chronic lower back pain for the last 10 years so I know what it's like to be uncomfortable every day, but this pain that I've been in for the last several months is almost unbearable. There are days that I can barely get myself to the restroom let alone care for my 2-year-old!!! I'm in CONSTANT pain. PAIN. I know that ladies suffer from backaches in pregnancy, but this is just ridiculous! I've seen my doctor, my OB, my chiropractor and a physical therapist for it, but it just does not go away and it's only getting worse the bigger this kid gets! I just want to scream some days. And I'm soooooooo freakin' tired... it's not even funny! I know that since I'm anemic that really doesn't help the situation and having two surgeries and recovering from those doesn't help. I take gobs and gobs of medicine on a daily basis that I usually gag on and throw back up... AWESOME. Plus, I can't sleep at night because of pregnancy insomnia and back pain! I can't wait for the next few weeks to pass. I pray that I can get better soon after I have this kid. Don't even get me started on my mental state... or my spiritual state... I feel like I've been to hell and back. I feel like my prayers aren't being heard. It just feels like everything is piling up on top of me and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I can understand why people want to hurt themselves. Seriously. Most days I just feel like a zombie and I just want to stay in bed ALL DAY LONG. I really signed up for this?! Really? Reeaaalllly?!? I know there is a reason for my going through all of this... just don't ask me what the crap that reason is... because I haven't the slightest idea. This baby had better be healthy... that's all I have to say about that! (But... since it's a boy... I'm sure he'll be as sickly as my other two... woo-hoo!)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
BACK ATTACK!
I went out to eat with my mom and her teacher friends at Barn Happy, a cute eating place in an old hog barn that serves soups and sandwiches, and then we did some window shopping for about an hour on the Main Street parkade in Cedar Falls. That night I just KNEW I would be in terrible pain the next day... and I was right. I couldn't even walk! My mom took Oliver and Eden for me for a few days and Janine, my MIL, took Jaren for me while Ed was at work. I couldn't fix them lunch, play with them, turn on a video... heck, I could hardly get myself to the restroom. I called my chiropractor, but forgot that he was on vacation, but luckily he'd be back the next day!
So, the next day wasn't any better. Luckily I still had a walker from my surgery that I've been borrowing so Eden rolled that to me and I used that for a bit. I saw my chiropractor and he said that it was probably 'sciatica... the nasty of nasties', since I was in horrible pain. I have the majority of pain in my lower right side and tingling in my toes on my right foot. Since then, my entire back has been sore and painful because it all connects and overcompensates for the area that is really stressing out! I haven't been able to medicate myself since I'm preggo and so all I've been doing is icing the crap out of it. I've seen my chiro several more times and cried in his office simply because I just don't know what to do. Nothing seems to be working and he then said that it may be a herniated disc, but we couldn't tell because I can't have any MRI's or CT scans at the moment. I pretty much just have to live with it until I have this baby. ARGH!!!
So... it's been over three weeks now, a few days of not being able to move (I mean... it hurt to BREATHE for Pete's sake!!!) and the rest just in horrible pain, severely limiting my activities. I called my OB and said that I just can't take this pain and inability to take care of myself and my three kids, so she prescribed me some hydrocodone and set up an appointment to see a Physical Therapist. The first time I took the meds... it was heaven sent! The second time didn't even touch the pain......... what am I gonna do with myself!?! It's only going to get worse the bigger I get!
August 3rd was my first PT appointment and my PT showed me some stretches that I can do and that Ed can help me with. I'm hoping that this as well as my chiropractor visits will help me cope with this pain as much as possible. I'm PRAYING it does!!! My PT said that my ligaments are relaxing and that my hips are totally out of line because the ligaments aren't doing their job and holding the bones in place. It's common amongst pregnant women, but she said mine is worse because of my history of back pain and that I have had this for so long that my body just kind of gets used to its new position. I guess I'm just a crooked woman... I pray that this all helps. As I'm typing this... I'm in horrible pain all across my lower back. I only want to take my meds when I absolutely need them. I'm thinking I need them right about now. YIKES!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
15 & 16 JUNE - Iowa City Hospital Visits
Since Jaren has troubles eating certain textures and hardly eats a thing, we finally made the decision to see a specialist for his problems. We wanted to make sure that there was nothing wrong with his esophagus.
Ed and Jaren waiting for the Pediatric Swallow.
The nurse blew bubbles to pass the time while we waited.
In the waiting room there was a child sized sectional sofa that was soooo cute. Jaren had to take a break and try it out!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
"Oops... I Crapped My Pants..."
30 Going On 13... Yeah... I Said It Right...


So... I checked in and was sent back to the lab for blood work (3 vials) and then down to the radiology department for some x-rays. The first one was of my lower leg bones from my ankle to my knee and the second was of my femur, from my knee to my hip. They took the x-rays of my right leg, which I thought was odd since my left leg hurt more, but I'm sure they know what they are doing! :o) My left hip was hurting especially today which made walking around the hospital a bit tiresome... especially since I didn't get out my sweet wheels (walker)!!! You know... I didn't
After my x-rays were done, I went back up to where I checked in and waited for a few minutes to see Dr. Lal, my endocrine surgeon. If ANYONE reading this ever needs surgery for your parathyroid, thyroid, etc... I would HIGHLY suggest this woman! I can't believe all that she has done for me during this whole ordeal. I even told her that my mom and I were impressed that she actually called me to see how I was doing after my surgery. Usually... when I have surgery I never see that person again! She replied that her job wasn't over with surgery. I was very touched that she would call and she even called my pharmacy to straighten some medication questions out! Now that is what I call EXCELLENT service! It really means alot when you can feel that someone truly cares about your health and wellbeing. If you are reading this... THANK YOU!
After a bit, I was called back to see Dr. Lal and she explained a few things to me. She said that my parathyroid hormone level was 94 and while that was a tad high (65 is the high end of "normal") she wasn't too worried. When I first went in to Covenant hospital, it was over 1,ooo!!! Before my surgery in Iowa City, it was 911 and right after my surgery it was 10... yes... ten. So... she said that it's a good sign that it was higher because that means that my remaining two parathyroids are "waking up" since my massive one was pretty much taking over everything!
30 year old female presented with calcium 19 and PTH 1000. Severe vitamin D deficiency...
She also took out my stitches and told me that I should moisturize and massage my neck to help reduce the puffiness of the scar tissue underneath my surgical site. Also, I need to remember to use sunscreen on it as well. Interesting side note: It takes about 2 years for a scar to heal after surgery.
***Soooooo... I go back down on Tuesday, February 24th for my bone density scan (DEXA) and to meet with Dr. O again on the Endocrine Floor.
After my meeting with them, we traveled by elevator to 2RCE where I almost got my arm ripped out of the socket trying to hold the elevator door open... with NO LUCK. I had to quickly reclaim my arm before it was gone forever! So... we went back to where I was admitted the first time to see Perla, my great nurse, but unfortunately she wasn't there. I did get to see Meghan and Robin, some other nurses and aides that helped me as well. They were ALL so fantastic! I miss them!
"Unlock Your Inner Chimp"
Then... we went to the gift shop and bought some fun key chain thingys called "MonKEYS... Unlock Your Inner Chimp". I thought I'd give them to all my close friends, because we all need to unlock our inner chimps! I kept the orange one for myself since Jaren does that same face lately! :o) I was parched at that time and Mandy said, "I have enough change to blow up the world", which was the funniest thing that I heard up to that point! After that we got in line to buy some Sprite or... "Spree-tay" as we called it. Mandy said to the cashier, "We'd like these... unless they are like 4 dollars a piece... then they'd be called Spree-tay..." like Tar-jhay... :o) We were just crazy! Too many laughs!! I'm from... IO-WHAT?! Yeah... I can't even remember what THAT ONE was about! Everything ended in "WHAT?!" We are such nutty fools, I tell ya! That's how I like my friends... nutty and chimplike... just like me! I seriously felt like I was in Jr. High again! I was 30 going on 13!
Sooooo... we leave the hospital and head to Walgreens where I purchase a short sleeve shirt to change into since it was "GORGE" outside! (Yeah... I changed in the car on the way back to Cedar Rapids while Mandy was driving down the highway... ah... the good ol' wild child days were back again... if only for a brief moment...) I got some more calcium, some watercolor kits for the kids and some delish Cashew Roca... oh my gosh... heavenly to my tastebuds!
Bread Pudding... AFTER...
"Look, Ma... I'm a Whirling Dervish!"
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Olive Garden Baby Shower - Ollie's 2nd Ambulance Ride
Meghan H., Meghan G., Me
We met up there about 6 pm and waited for a while (almost 2 hours... yowzers). Luckily, a seat opened up for me in the lobby and I plowed through the crowd in order to sit and rest my weary bones! UGH! I have to say... my neck feels great, but my bones still hurt really bad! It hurts mainly in my knees, but sometimes they hurt so bad that I feel the bone pain in the teeny tiny bones in my TOES!!! Crazy, huh?! My surgeon said that it would take a while for the calcium to feed my hungry bones! On Tuesday I go back down to Iowa City for my post op check up and x-rays. I'd like to have a bone density scan just to see where most of the damage is done. I had all of the kids for the first time by myself in TWO MONTHS! Man... I was just exhausted!!!
Anyways... Meg H. picked me up at around 5:30 and we ventured out to pick up some clothes for the baby shower and a book... of course! I love giving books as gifts! My kids LOVE to read... and Jaren is starting to sit for longer periods of time now so it's fun to sit and flip through books with him! :o) We got there and like I said I sat for a while, took all my pills while I was sitting there (Thanks for the H2o, Krista!) waiting. Mandy came and Matt was there with 3 of his kids! I got to meet him, but didn't really get to talk with him since the lobby was PACKED with people! I feel bad that I didn't get up and give him a hug and greet all the kiddos, but my legs were KILLING ME!!! (Don't think I'm a huge jerk, Matt... cuz I'm not!) :o) I'm sure we'll meet again! SOON... or so I'm told! ;o) So... we finally are seated and of course it's like the table the furthest away from where I'm sitting!!! I was pining for my sweet wheels aka: my walker! Yeah... I feel like an old woman hobbling around on my weak legs! Yes... thanks again, Krista... for the old lady comments! Hehehe! You know I love ya! Man... I had so much fun last night... I must have REALLY needed to get out of my house... since that's where I am pretty much ALL of the time since our van is dead and has a flat tire. BLECH! Okay... my mind is just going all over today... sorry if you aren't following... :o)
So... we are seated at the table and we order. Meg opens her darling presents, we take pictures. YES... pictures... we seriously see a guy that looks AND sounds just like Jerry Stiller, George Castanza's dad on "Seinfeld"!!! Okay... so I HAD to take a picture of him with Meghan's camera! He even had a shirt on that looked like he borrowed it from Kramer! I wanted to go over to him and ask him to say, "SERENITY NOW!!!". :o) "Festivus... for the rest of us..." Good times!
During our dinner, the waitress comes over and asks if anyone has a white van. Krista piped up and said that she did. Then the waitress said that someone had hit it while in the parking lot. She went out to see if it was hers... later she saw that they had left a note. She wasn't too worried about it... because there was a crack in the bumper from a previous mishap. We think that they must have thought that they had done it. Good thing we are honest folks... RIGHT, KRISTA!?! ;o)
We had so much fun until Ed called Krista's phone and said that Oliver was in the ambulance. I was like, "What happened?" He said that he came downstairs and told him that his stomach hurt and then he started having an asthma attack and couldn't breathe. Ed gave him an albuterol treatment and that did nothing, so Chad came over to be with Jaren and Eden while Ed followed the ambulance to the hospital. Ed had to work at Goodwill overnight so his dad went to the ER to be with Oliver and took him back home with him at 12:30 at night when he was released. I guess his tummy ache was because he has impacted feces... yum. More water and fiber, please. Poor little man. He seems to be doing better today! Thank goodness!!!
Friday, February 6, 2009
LOW LEVEL ALERT!
So... as you can tell... I have a large amount of medicines in my body on a daily basis! Since Dr. Lal (my surgeon) is out of state, Dr. Ordificio? is supposed to call me and tell me what to do now. I'll keep you posted...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I Miss My Chitlins...
Every morning Ed gets Jaren ready for Grandma and Grandpa Palmer's house and they watch him while Ed is at work. Oliver and Eden are at school all day and get off of the bus around four o'clock. I get to spend about an hour or two with them every weekday afternoon (unless they go upstairs to play). Ed comes home from work, picks them up and takes them to his parent's house to spend the night there. It's easier for his mom and dad to get them ready and fed at their house every morning. Ed drops them off and picks up Jaren to spend time with us in the evening and sleep in his own crib during the night.
I am exceedingly grateful that we have family (and friends) here that are willing to help us during this time with my recent health issues. I really do miss the kids though and I know they miss me too. I pray that I can heal quickly... that my neck will heal and that my bones will get the calcium they have been yearning for... for so long now. My legs ache... mainly my knees. It really hurts to walk and even change position in my chair. The worst thing is getting into a car... WOW... now THAT is a killer! I don't have to worry much though since I can't drive yet and I pretty much stay in the house all day long. It's getting kind of boring! I should be grateful for this time that I have to just be with myself. Maybe I could read or get some crocheting done. Sometimes all I want to do is sleep, since that's the only time I can get away from the pain. I'm not able to care for Jaren myself at this time because I can't lift over 10 pounds. He's CONSTANTLY motioning for me to pick him up in the evening when Ed is here and I have to tell him that I can't pick him up yet. It will cause too much of a strain on my neck.
It's weird to think about the doctors being in my neck fiddling around in there and then to be sewn up. I took the tape off of my neck and now I can feel the thread they used when they stitched me up. It feels like fishing line! It's driving me nuts everytime I feel it sticking out. I wish I could have kept the tape on it longer. Dr. Lal, my awesome surgeon, said that my wound would stick out a bit, but that it would shrink the more days it had to heal. She said to gently massage that area, but it still hurts quite a bit! I feel better every day, but it still is not up for being massaged I must say! Now... my shoulders on the other hand... could use a long massage!
I know that Eden especially wishes to come back home to stay. Today I overheard her tell Ed that Grandma's beds aren't as soft as hers is! She's been very teary eyed lately. I had to tell her that she had to go back for a while until I healed. I thought that I could manage this week, but I just couldn't. I did well on Monday... getting them ready, fed and off to school, but Tuesday was different. I couldn't even get out of bed because my legs hurt so bad! They got themselves dressed and ready for school. I just pray that I can heal and recover QUICKLY!!! I know that it will all happen in the Lord's time. I just need to be patient. Easier said than done.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Wow... Did You See a Herd of Elephants Running From My Direction???
I have been really good at seeing the doctor for my yearly full physical exams and going to the doctor for any ailments I'd been having. Now... I'm going to require better care for myself and I don't care if people think I'm bitchy or demanding. No one but myself is going to make it happen! I have a whole new view now! And... I'm not going to worry about all of the health bills. I'm going to adopt the motto that Ed always says, "Oh well. It's just money." Seriously... it's JUST money. I'd rather have my health and get checked thoroughly and spend more money than to be scared if my insurance won't cover something. It's just money. I have a family that is depending on me... on my health... so that I can care for them!
Something interesting I've noticed since I've been home is how much of a Ghost Town the house feels like. There are no kids here running around laughing, screaming or fighting. No toddlers squealing or crying. No noise whatsoever. Just a mess that was left from Christmas. Decorations still hung, the small tree still up and things just tossed here and there. Unopened junk mail piled up on the couch along with clean clothes waiting to be folded and put away. Everything was just left as it was or as it came. Ed had been in and out... from work... from the hospital here and in Iowa City. The kids have remained in the care of Ed's parents (THANK YOU!) and have had a consistant routine for this past month of being absent from myself. I don't know what I would do without their help in this as well as other times in my life. I also don't know what I would do without my mom being with me when all others were called elsewhere. She was with me in the hospital during the roughest times of this whole ordeal... during the painful IV that ripped through my veins and rendered me in the worst imaginable pain as well as my complete and utter breakdown that transpired in my hospitalroom on Saturday evening. It felt like the weight of the world was finally giving way and falling on me. It felt like all hope was lost.
"What else were they going to come in and tell me was wrong?"
"How many more times will someone come in and jab me with the needle and miss... causing painful bruising and sore limbs?"
"When will I feel any relief?"
"When will this be over?"
"Will I truly feel like a new person after this?"
"Why is Satan such a freakin' bastard? Why won't he just leave me the hell alone?"
All the while... worrying about what others will think of me. She's crazy... She's weak... She's unstable.
I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO A BREAKDOWN!!! Too bad it had to happen when I was sharing my hospital room and only divided by a curtain.
Life was passing me by. Other people were busy planning their lives and I wasn't a part of it anymore. I'll be missing some important days of my friends lives... important days of my children's lives... of my life. I just don't even know what to say or how to say it. Good freakin' night... my NECK HURTS!!! I just want to cry... I just want to sleep. That is the ONLY way I get away from the pain... the ONLY way I get away from myself, my depression, the things that Satan wants me to believe. "Kick her while she's down." I think that is his motto. Good thing the Lord is stronger. The Spirit's voice is much stronger and hope is renewed when all things are laying around me... crumbled. All that happens is in the Lord's time. The ONLY thing we can give the Lord is our will. Whatever happens will happen and I know that I will be okay, because I am the Lord's and He will do what is necessary and best for me. I knew this ALL THE WHILE, but of course Satan is right there when any doubt is felt and his misery is waiting to slowly take hold. Thank goodness for the words of the apostles and prophets. I had with me the General Conference issue of the Ensign (our church magazine) and I read and read so many inspired talks that were given for my benefit. For OUR benefit of course, but for MY benefit as I was really wanting some strength, knowledge and comfort at that time. So many talks touched me as I sat up reading into the wee hours of the morning. I really couldn't put it down. I know that my testimony of the Gospel was strengthened. My love of my Father in Heaven and of His Son, Jesus Christ have grown and I've more of an appreciation for the atonement... for all that Christ has done for us that we may live with him again, in a much grander existance than this crappy (at times) earth life. I know we are meant to have joy and by that we MUST experience the craptasticness as well or how would we recognize it!? I love the Lord. I love learning what He has in store for us and that I can take time out... sometimes He takes the time out for me... but to have some time to be able to reflect on who I want to be, how I want to be remembered and where I want to end up. I have been blessed beyond measure. I have been given a most wonderful companion... too good I often think that I deserve, but yet again I have been given him. For that I am wonderfully and eternally blessed. I love my husband more than words. He is my best and truest friend that I have in the flesh. He makes me want to be better. I know so many say that, but it is so true. He loves the Lord and he knows so much about the Gospel and what is in store for us. I want to become a good mother. I want to attend the temple more. I will never forget a Visiting Teaching message in the Ensign a few years ago that said that the Temple can change our natures. We do behave in a manner that is the result of the natural man, which is an enemy to God. We need to refine those manners and truly learn what we need to do in order to change that which is natural. I pray that I can go there often and make time for it... make time to be taught the things that are of infinite worth. It's strange when you think about the possibility of dying. The people you'd leave behind... The impression of yourself that you'd leave behind. I wonder what people would think of me. Would they know of the love that I had for my friends and family? Would they know of the love that I had for my Heavenly Father? Would they know how hard I tried each time that Satan would have me bound with depression and a mental illness... would they know how hard I tried to change? How hard I tried to rise above that weakness that was given me to overcome in this life? Would people know who and what I desired to be in this life and in the next? It's truly life changing. I am very blessed and I want others to realize how much they are blessed as well. I want to live my life more fully and richly. I want others to know how much that I love, admire and grow from their examples. I want to live with no regrets. ***BREATHE*** ***SIGH*** That's all I want.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
T'was the Morn of My Surgery...
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
One More Week...
I've tryed different exercises, medicine, ice packs, heating pads, prescribed pain meds, new shoes, losing weight, trying to stay off my feet (VERY difficult when I have a small toddler scampering around), orthodics ($400 - NOT covered by my insurance) AND several cortisone shots in my foot. I've also been seeing a chiropractor for my back pain. Still in pain... hence the decision to get surgery.
You'd think that by losing 42 pounds (hey... every pound counts) I'd feel great! Yeah... no such luck. So, my heel kills, my back kills, my knees and sometimes elbows have been giving me problems, not to mention that I just generally don't feel well. I'm going to see a specialist in January for some of those concerns.
I'm starting to get a little anxious because of my AWARENESS ISSUE during my gallbladder surgery after I had Jaren. It's like I could foresee it happening. I had the surgery with no problem, but the next day I went under again because a gallstone was too large to pass through a tube. They had to go in and cut my tube so they could retrieve the stone. ANYWAYS... I was still awake and there were lots of nurses coming in and out of the small room that I was in. The doctor was in and out and I thought, "Man... are they changing shifts or what!? I sure hope the lady gives me enough meds to knock me out for this!" Eerie thought BECAUSE... during that procedure, I woke up (I couldn't see, hear, speak or move) and FELT someone SHOVING this long tube down my throat and I could feel myself gagging. It only lasted for a few seconds, but I remember it vividly!!! HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE!!! I do NOT wish that on ANYONE!!!
Needless to say... I pray most fervently that it doesn't happen again! I will welcome anyone to pray that all goes well for me on Monday!!!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Unsolved Mystery Heel Pain

